First Date

First Date

[MAGGIE enters the Starbucks, which is relatively empty. She orders a chai and proceeds to sit down and begin writing in her notebook. At the counter, a bandana'd kid with a fro meanders in an out of it fashion. This is PAULIE.]

MAGGIE: (as voice over) Dear diary. I'm supposed to meet Kevin for coffee today. He's a high schooler and super cute! Although perhaps a bit strange. I think he likes me, though! I'm pretty sure this is a date since it's just me an' him.

[MAGGIE pauses, glances at PAULIE, who is tossing a plate like it's a pizza.]

MAGGIE: (continuing v.o.) Yeah. Pretty much just us.

[MAGGIE drums her fingers on the table.]

MAGGIE: (aloud) Hey, Paulie, what time is it?

[PAULIE drops the plate, it clatters.]

PAULIE: Morphin' Time, babe! Haha, just kiddin'. It's, like, 3:45.

MAGGIE: Thanks. (as v.o.) I still have a good fifteen minutes to wait. Plus, he may be fashionably late. I should probably get another drink.

[Her chai is almost gone.]

[MAGGIE gets up and orders a mocha as Janie and Sarah come in. They walk over to her.]

JANIE: Maggie! Hi! What's up?

MAGGIE: Oh, not much, just waiting here.

JANIE: That's always nice. How've you been?

MAGGIE: (drinks some of her mocha) I've been excellent! Ah, blue sky, fresh air, birds singing- don't you just love days like today?

[JANIE and SARAH exchange glances.]

SARAH: Uh, sure- can't resist a February day in Ohio.

JANIE: Yeah. We're actually just going to get something to go, so see you around, Maggie!

MAGGIE: Alright, see you!

[MAGGIE sits down as the pair of girls leave. As they exit, KEVIN walks up to the door. As always, he's wearing his trench coat. He stands outside the door and glances around furtively.]

KEVIN: She doesn't seem to be here yet. Maybe I should go in.

[He reaches for the handle of the door, then stops short.]

Then again...it'd be bad for her to see me before I see her. After all, what if she's not who she claims to be? Best to be prepared, on guard, that sort of thing.

[Back inside, MAGGIE notices that she's downed her mocha. She looks longingly at the empty cup and sets off to attain another beverage. She's shaking a bit, and possibly has a caffeine rush.

Cut back to the door and KEVIN, still outside it. Guy #1 walks past him and goes through the door.]

KEVIN: That guy went through the door, and it appears he is unharmed. Perhaps I should go through the door.

[He again reaches for the handle to enter through the door and once again stops short.]

Then again, he could be a government agent send to track me down. No! More likely just your so called Average Joe, one of the populous, the bourgeoisie, some sad spa drawn in by the commercialist mass media, a mindless drone just getting his coffee and going to work. Well, they can't take me- never will I join their ranks. Never, Never!

[Deep breath, KEVIN]

I wonder if she's late. Maybe she's inside.

[Cut to the inside. MAGGIE's stomach gurgles.]

MAGGIE: (v.o.) I just drank 52 oz of coffee.

[She jumps up from the table and rushes to the wooden bathroom door. In the background, you see KEVIN, peering through one of the windows, with his binoculars. He slumps on to another window when she exits. You hear her voice over begin while she, knowingly against her better judgment, orders another drink, before she sits down to write. She is jitter and bouncy at this point.]

MAGGIE: (v.o, more excited than before) Dear Diary. It's about 4:20 and Kevin still isn't here. (This line is punctuated by Kevin, who peers through the window just next to her. She is positioned as to be between two windows, in front of a wall hanging.) I know, I know, sometimes people run behind on things. But what if I wait here forever and he never shows up? I'll be like Nathan Lane in "Waiting for Godot," and the whole thing'll be pointless!

Maybe Kevin is Godot. Maybe Kevin is God. Whoa. Did you hear that? Those are some pretty deep ideas goin' there.

[Back outside, Kevin leaning against the wall.]

KEVIN: Sometimes I wonder if I'm God. But I'm trapping in an illusion, like The Matrix. Maybe things can only be the way I think they are, and I only think there's a Starbucks here with a girl inside waiting for me. Maybe there won't be now! Maybe the world is a trap and I'm the cause and poor Maggie of questionable existence is the bait!

[Kevin glares at the door.]

Maybe this door is the portal to another realm. I'm going in!

[He does not go in.]

On second thought, maybe I should call first.

[KEVIN pulls out a cell phone and dials a number. Inside the Starbucks, PAULIE's cell phone rings.]

PAULIE: You've reached the Paulster! What up, dude?

KEVIN: Paulie? I need to ask you a question.

PAULIE: Shoot, man.

KEVIN: Okay, now, this is serious. Are there any girls in there?

PAULIE: Hells yeah, dude! There's babes all over the place up in here! [It should be noted that there are only about three people in the Starbucks at the moment. ] It rocks being a barista, man. It's like being a bartender, except for literary types.

KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, that's great man, but-

PAULIE: Hey, guess what! I created a new drink.

KEVIN: (sighing inwardly) Yeah?

PAULIE: Yeah! It's called the Super Seven. It has seven shots of espresso, dude!

[PAULIE is beaming and holding the phone.]

KEVIN: And...?

PAULIE: Nothing, that's all I got so far.

[KEVIN rubs his temples or some other stress-induced gesture.]

KEVIN: Paulie, I'm looking for as specific girl. She's short, has red hair, glasses?

[PAULIE squints at MAGGIE, the only girl in the room. We see, for a moment, PAULIE-vision, in which she looks slightly blurry and has trippy colors.]

PAULIE: Nope. No one like that in here, dude.

KEVIN: Thank you. You've confirmed my suspicions.

PAULIE: No problem.

[KEVIN snaps the phone shut.]

KEVIN: So, it was a trap after all. (startled, suddenly remembers) Gahd! I have to go home and check the parallel-dimension meter! I must flee!

[KEVIN flees, while KATE and MONICA enter the shop. Maggie is drinking a double-espresso coffee and writing furiously.]

MAGGIE: (v.o. frenzied) 4:40 now. He's forty minutes late. Isn't the rule usually half and hour allowed? Or is it twenty minutes? I've been here ten minutes longer at least than any self-respecting woman. I should leave.

Unless- he spotted a helpless kitten caught in a sewer grate! And he knew he couldn't just leave it so he laboriously clambered downto rescue the innocent, sopping-wet ball of fur! And by the time he rescued it he'd been wet for so long he almost caught hypothermia but he didn't seek medical attention because he didn't want to miss out date, because deep down he thinks I'm his true love, so he rushes here only to find that I've left him and proceeds to sink to his knees in despair- !

[KATE and MONICA walk past MAGGIE]

KATE: (fakey-cheerful) Oh, hi Maggie! What's up?

MAGGIE: (somberly) The world may be ending.

KATE: O-kaaaaay. [Exchange glances.] We're going to get some coffee at those tables waaaay over there.

[MONICA nods. The walk off, and offscreen you hear PAULIE say, "Hey, babettes, what can I get you for?" Time passes. MAGGIE looks at her watch, at her drained cup, and hikes up to the counter.]

MAGGIE: Do you have anything really strong?

PAULIE: Well, as a matter of fact, I just created something awesomely pungent, but it might be a bit much for you to handle.

MAGGIE: Lay it on me.

PAULIE: Okay, but I'm just saying-

MAGGIE: Just pour me the damn drink!

PAULIE: Alright, alright, chill!

[PAULIE sets down the Super Seven and swipes MAGGIE's credit card. She slides unsteadily to a table and takes a gulp. She resumes writing.]

MAGGIE: (v.o.) Dear diary. It's 5:00. I've waited longer than any self-respecting person ought to. But it's because I have no self respect! I've been stood up! I've been stood up by a crazy person!

(Takes another gulp of the drink)

I'm a no good, nerdy, ugly, pathetic, pitiful manifestation of everything that's wrong with women today. No wonder Kevin hates me. I hate me! The world hates me!

[Another gulp, slams the cup down. Paulie watches in fascination.]

I don't know if I can go on like this- so alone, lonely! Who knows what's lurking beyond the horizon? Maybe nothing. Maybe the world ends. Maybe this quiet disillusionment will set off the course a thousand repelling truths! And people will only seek comfort in their lies!

[Another gulp, manic.]

But don't people only hate what they do not know? I am unknown. I am unknowable! I am a lonely shadow, alone and powerful in my isolation- like God! I am God! Dess! Goddess! And all the men of the earth shall fall to their knees and fear me!

(aloud, raising hands) MU-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

PAULIE: Hey, chick-o-rino, you alright?

[MAGGIE turns, open mouthed as if to answer him, then gasps, clutching her heart.]

PAULE: Whoa, are you- ?

[MAGGIE tries to stand, but staggers, and collapses to the ground in a very loud, flailing fashion. Then the noise stops. PAULIE gets out from behind the counter and kneels over her motionless body.]

PAULIE: Aw, this is not good.

[In one dramatic sweep, her eyes open and she lunges forward, grabbing him by the collar.]

MAGGIE: (panting) If...I...die...it won't be from...caffeine...despite it's addicting nature, I can quit anytime, I swear...It'll be from...a broken...heart.

[Collapses again.]

PAULIE: Uh...

[MAGGIE's eyelids flutter but then she is absolutely still. PAULIE is stunned, rubbing his face with his hands and pacing, before he pulls out his cell and calls 911. Sentimental-sappy credits music begins to play as PAULIE pulls out the phone. MAGGIE's carried off in a stretcher, in slow motion or distorted time, as if dreamlike.

You see KEVIN wearing his fingerless gloves, rushing home, hunched over in the cold as the ambulance drives by. It fades to black.]